Find Your Tribe (It's Not Too Late)
Without a sense of belonging, individuals and communities suffer; with it, they thrive
There are events that you go to, that you;
Never want to leave
Can’t wait to leave
Why is that?
The short version...
You feel a sense of belonging because
You are valued
Common interests
Have purpose in the environment
Authentically you
Why is it that 3 in 4 Americans (Australia is a little less) don’t feel a sense of belonging in at least one area of their life?
And why should we care?
... not experiencing a sense of belonging is leaving so many people to suffer in silence.
I’ve thought about this a lot because there have been periods in my life where...
I didn’t feel a sense of belonging
There are men that I coach who don’t feel a sense of belonging
There are people out there who listen to my podcast and read this newsletter who don’t feel a sense of belonging.
This is a framework that helped me, and I believe can help you to.
Before you read, understand this...
This isn’t a quick fix, and YOU are responsible for doing the work to build a sense of belonging.
If you accept that keep reading.
In 2013 I recognised I hadn’t been living authentically
**Living authentically = Living to our own values and goals**
For years I had felt lost, I never really fit in, I didn't have my own opinions and I wasn’t happy.
From the outside, I was popular, had been playing rugby in France & was living the dream.
Isn’t this contradicting?
The truth is I had been living by other people's values and goals because I wanted to fit in.
My earliest memory of wanting to fit in was when I was 13 and went to Toowoomba Grammar School (rugby obsessed school)
I was fortunate to go on a running scholarship.
Up until this point all my buddies & I loved skateboarding and being kids.
Now I was in new territory, and I wanted to be accepted.
What I learned very quickly was that I needed to become a rugby player if I wanted to fit in.
This meant I needed to change my goals & values.
The power of wanting to fit in pulled me away from who I truly was... the goals I had & what I valued.
I guess you could say the goal (Desire) to fit in was more important than self-discovery.
What I learned from that is you will ALWAYS be filled with ‘imposter syndrome, Doubt & Overwhelm’ when enter Discomfort (Unknown zone).
If you accept that you MUST grow to experience a sense of belonging... You can acknowledge how you will feel when you enter the unknown zone.
Your mindset will default to wanting to fit in... but if you’ve done the self-discovery work. You will rise to the level of your standards.
I must admit that I didn’t have the tools or self-esteem to do it any differently when I was at school
It was necessary at that time and did lead to some cool life experiences.
The framework I am going to share now will help bring you back to the most authentic version of yourself even if you feel EXTREMELY lost. As a result, this will help you find your people and that sense of belonging.
Self-discovery is the first step. You need to find the authentic version of you.
What do you value
What do you want from life
What do you believe
What are your desires.
The journey of self-discovery is personal. I go into detail in this during my Life Design Blueprint
A simple starting point for you is:
1. Embrace new experiences
2. Reflect on the impact of these experiences
3. Repeat
#2 Events & Experiences
We need a reason to show up somewhere.
That's why you find like-minded people at events.
Once you meet the people, then you want; More time to connect
This was key for me. Discovering more about yourself happens by meeting new people, having new experiences & being introduced to new ideas.
You will naturally be interested in certain people, places and things more than others... that is ok.
That is what you should do more of.
This isn’t limited to your personal life. I did this professionally as well.
When I moved home from France, I didn’t know what was next for me.
Before I became a coach, I had work in:
Construction
Sales
Marketing
Uber driver
Avocado picking
These all taught me things and directed me to where I am now.
The great thing about embracing the new experiences is you will meet people that you truly connect with.
This is where we build connection and improve your sense of belonging.
#3 Connection.
Don’t be too busy to connect with people. If you want a sense of belonging and you want to be part of a bigger community.
You must invest time.
There is no other way around it.
When you think about it. Those who have friends.... generally, invest significant time into their social lives.
If time is the excuse... let’s think about it like this.
You CANNOT build connections WITHOUT investing time.
This means you MUST learn to say no to things in your life so you can prioritise building relationships.
Especially off the back of an event where you meet new people.
Carve out a little bit of time to invest in strengthening the relationship.
It is only through this step that you can really get to know which people you want to continue building a relationship with and which ones you don’t
Most people get stuck at step one... and for those who do socialise they don’t bother following up with new connections.
If you’re following along... it’s not that hard to stand out in the friendship world if you just follow these steps.
#4 mateship
Now you have worked down the line... you will eventually find your tribe.
You don’t need 100 friends. You need 3-5 great ones.
Friends who make you feel:
Empowered
Valued
These are the friends you can count on and just pick up the phone to check in on.
We all desire friends like that, but many of us haven’t updated ourselves or our social network since we were at school.
The steps we covered the amount of people in them WILL DECLINE.
It’s like casting a fishing net and sorting to find the fish you want.
You will find belonging.
The best way is to have your own events.
IF you need help with self discovery finding out who you are and what you want from life. Check out the self discovery course in the link